Fulfilling Your Wife’s Needs When You Don’t Want To

Dear John,

I have thought of you fairly frequently in the last few
months. I have thought mostly of our telephone conversation. The conversation
bothered me, and I have wanted to write to you for some time, but I also wanted
my letter to be received by you—so I probably put it off for that reason—afraid
that it wouldn’t be received.

I am thinking of the second letter of Peter where he writes,
“Therefore I intend always to remind you of these things, even though you know
them and are firmly established in the truth you now have” (2 Pet. 1:12). Certainly
I believe that you have since long ago been established in the truth, and the
things I share will be a reminder, not new thinking.

What concerned me in the telephone conversation was that you
said that you had never needed anybody, and your wife needed to be needed. That’s
probably pretty close to true. What isn’t true is that we all need each other. We
are part of the Body of Christ, and the family is a very close part of the
Body. And because of your upbringing, you became strong and independent—but that
didn’t mean that you didn’t need someone. It just meant that you thought you
didn’t need anyone. We need each other very much. Although you and I never see
each other, I need you and you need me. And when you hurt, I hurt. We are part
of the Body.

The second thing that concerned me was that you are very
content to be there alone with your dog. One of the things that is true about
dogs is that they are loyal regardless; they are faithful regardless how we
treat them. They don’t talk back, they don’t complain; they are always loyal. People
are not like that. Wives are not like that. Children are not like that. [You
know from your time in the military that] people in the army aren’t like that. They
have been taught in boot camp to say, “Yes, Sir.” My own children didn’t go
through boot camp. My wife didn’t go through boot camp. No, there is something
different about children and a wife. It is just not true with dogs or people in
the Army. The relationship in the family is much more intimate. It needs a
special other kind of treatment.

The next thing that bothered me was my very real knowledge
of the Enemy. It will be very unusual if he doesn’t have a woman waiting in the
wings for you since you have separated from your wife. Either you are so super
unusual or the Enemy has lost his wisdom. She may already be there.

Back to the teaching that your wife needed to be needed. If that
is a given, then you, as a loving husband, should have met her need. And you
still can, and you still should. It may be contrary to what is normal to you,
but it is your responsibility.

You thanked me for the tape on bitterness and said that you
had listened to it and appreciated the thoughts but they just weren’t applicable.
Maybe not. But when we were talking on the telephone, you weren’t rejoicing in
the Lord, so something is wrong in your life, independent of what is going on
in other people’s lives. There is no reason to let your joy be affected by
other people’s sins. Nor should you count on your joy being fulfilled by your
environment—quietness in the home and a dog. The Scripture tells us in Habakkuk
3:17-18 not to lose our joy when there is a bad year, and it tells us not to rejoice
when good things are happening, as in Luke 10:17. Our joy is in our salvation. Our
joy is in the Lord.

In much love,

Jim Wilson