Forgiving Others
by Jim Wilson

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart (Matt. 18:35).

The Lord Jesus Christ is speaking here, and He is giving his followers teaching on forgiveness. Most of us have had experiences when someone has come to us and asked forgiveness. Other times we have gone to ask for forgiveness.

There are several common responses to such requests, but the one you most often hear is, "There is nothing to forgive." Now this sounds very gracious, but it really is not. It is a means of refusing to forgive.

The person you asked to forgive you knows full well that you need forgiving. But still they dodge the request by saying, "Oh, there's nothing to forgive." They may really think there wasn't any problem, but that's not normally the case.

Sometimes they say, "All right, you are forgiven." They say it because they have to, but that's not what their heart is saying. But the text requires forgiveness from the heart. In other words, God knows who truly forgives, and who does not. We are told that God is going to treat each of us in a certain way unless we forgive our brothers from the heart. He does not require us to say the right words. Even though you might convince the person in front of you, you will not convince the One who searches the heart. God knows when you have forgiven your brother from your heart.

We cannot hide from the Lord when we sin in this way. Our hearts are open and manifest to Him. If we are refusing to forgive, then He knows it. He knows our sinc and He certainly knows the requirements of His word concerning forgiveness.

So what does the Bible teach about how our heavenly Father will treat us?

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" (Matt. 18:21)

He thought he was asking a virtuous question. Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times" (Matt. 18:22). When Jesus said this, do you think He meant to limit it to seventy-seven? Do we get to count? Are we allowed to keep a record of wrongs? Anytime someone counts the number of times he has extended forgiveness, then there is no true forgiveness. If you forgave your brother from your heart each time he sinned against you, each instance would seem like the first time.

When Jesus teaches about things like turning the other cheek, people misapply it. They say, "Yes, I will let him hit the other cheek, but if he hits me a third time, I am going to deck him."

But when Jesus taught about turning the other cheek, He was teaching us to do it from the heart. Jesus assumes the other person is sinning against you. He assumes the other person is wrong seven times, seventy-seven times, or four hundres and ninety times. But if you are counting, then you are not forgiving.

Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlements, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before him. "Be patient with me," he begged, "and I will pay back everything." The servant's master took pity on him, cancelled the debt and let him go.

But when that servant went out he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him.

"Pay back what you owe me!" he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, "Be patient with me and I will pay you back." But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

Then the master called the servant in. "You wicked servant," he said, "I cancelled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?" In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart (Matt. 18:23-35).

When we passed from death to life, we were forgiven, and the debt which was eliminated was immense. When we became Christians, we received at that time unconditional forgiveness. It was a gift and we received it without conditions attached. Now there is a difference between conditional forgiveness and unconditional forgiveness. When we were born again we received unconditional forgiveness. It was a great forgiveness like the forgiveness of the great debt in the parable. In Colossians 3:13, it says,

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. So how did the Lord forgive us? Unconditionally, and we are told to forgive as we were forgiven. We are to forgive unconditionally. But suddenly, when it comes to our debtors, we have this conditional forgiveness. Remember how the heavenly Father treats those who behave like the wicked servant in the parable. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors (Matt. 6:12). The Lord instructed us to pray this way. But we protest, "God, I don't want to be forgiven this way. If I get forgiven the way I forgive, I'm in big trouble." The Christian who prays as instructed is praying for conditional forgiveness. In verse fourteen, right after the Lord's prayer, Jesus says, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Is this true? It is the Lord Jesus who said it.

Someone might object, "How can this be? We have received unconditiona forgiveness. Now Jesus is saying that if I forgive men when they sin against me, my heavely Father will also forgive me. But if I do not forgive men their sins, my Father will not forgive my sins. This sounds like conditional forgiveness to me."

Here is why it's conditional. He said when we passed from death to life we were forgiven a great debt. Then we had very clear instructions to forgive as we had been forgiven. We were forgiven unconditionally, and we are told to forgive unconditionally.

If someone is forgiving unconditionally, he doesn't have nay problems in praying this. "Lord, forgive me as I forgive." Of course, this forgiveness is unconditional. There is no contradiction for the Christian who is doing what he is told. There is only a seeming contradiction when forgiveness is not extended in the same way it is received. This was the problem with the unforgiving servant. He had been forgiven, and then he turned around and did not forgive as he had been forgiven.

This is a powerful statement. "This is how my heavenly Father will treat you unless you forgive your brother from your heart, as I forgave you from my heart." If I do not forgive, I have good reason to doubt my salvation.

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that "every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses." If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (Matt. 18:15-20).

This passage, which precedes the parable we have examined, also has to do with this heart forgiveness. If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault just between the two of you. If he listens, you have won your brother over. You say, "Well, that is not likely to happen. I have tried that. He has sinned against me and I was so mad I went and showed him his faults and it did not win him over at all." This was because you did not go with forgiveness in your heart. This text does not make a lot of sense to many people because they cannot comprehend going to someone this way. "How can you tell somebody who has sinned against you what he's done to you, and expect to win him? He will get defensive."

Why will he get defensive? Because someone is accusing him. But if someone goes with forgiveness in his heart ? the final conclusion of all this teaching ? then the result will not be accusative.

I can guarantee that he will not be won over if his corrector goes with any kind of bitterness, resentment or accusative spirit. The corrector must not go to him in that kind of condition. We may only go to him when there is forgiveness in our hearts in advance. This forgiveness is not to be dependent on his repentance. I can guarantee he will not be repentant if he is not approached with forgiveness, from the heart. We must go with love and forgiveness. If he listens, we have won our brother over.

But if he will not listen, even though he has been approached this way, we are to take one or two others along, people with forgiveness in their hearts. This is not how it normally happens.

Someone goes with an accusation, the recipient gets defensive and is not won over. So two other people with one side of the story are collected, and they come and back up the initial corrector. They are not successful either.

Everyone must have forgiveness in his heart so that when the offender refuses to repent, it is obviously his problem. If he refuses to listen, then the church must be told. Of course, it is also necessary for the church to be full of forgiveness.

There are churches which think they exercise a godly church discipline. They do not, because this attitude is lacking. They go to this guy, lay it on him, and he refuses it. They get two or three others, and they go lay it on him, and he refuses them too. The church then kicks him out, but there is no forgiveness in the heart. But one of the objects of church discipline is to restore the offender.

If he refuses to listen to the church, he is to be treated as a pagan or a tax collector. I do not believe the Lord Jesus meant as pagans or tax collectors were actually treated. I think he means as pagans and tax collectors should be treated. Earlier, in Matthew 5, Jesus tells us to treat the just and the unjust as the Father does ? equitably.

He tells us to love our enemies. So even when we treat them as pagans and tax collectors, it is still loving treatment. It merely means they are considered outside the fellowship, but with love and forgiveness from the heart. They just do not want the forgiveness which the godly have extended from the heart. It is because of this teaching that Peter asked the question which led to the parable. "How many times should I forgive my brother?" "Love ... keeps no record of wrongs" (I Cor. 13:4,5). Love does not keep score. Some of you have heard a statement like this within marriage. The husband or the wife may say, "You always do this, and you never do that." What does this mean? Someone is keeping score. The Bible says never to do this. A record of wrongs is kept when someone adds up the offenses. But forgiveness does not do this.

What did Jesus mean when he said, "Whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven..."? This is speaking of Christian churches, full of forgiveness, which are acting in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. They are acting how He told them to act. Then when they make a decision based upon His word, He honors it.

He does not honor it because the church plugs a formula in some mechanical way. But if it is done with the character and the love of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the body of forgiving believers makes a decision to discipline somebody who is not willing to repent, God honors it in heaven.

Many Christians use the verse about two or three agreeing on anything out of context. The verse has to do with church discipline, and forgiving your brother. It is right between the story Jesus told and Peter's question about how many times he had to forgive. So when two or three gather together in His name, the Lord Jesus Christ is with them. This has to do with decisions of forgiving others who have sinned against you.

You can see the relationship between this and bitterness. Bitterness is really unforgiveness. It is saying that someone did something to me, and I am not going to forgive them. But of course bitterness does not think of itself as sin, it can only see the sin of the other person.

So in one sense, forgiveness is unilateral. In one sense, Jesus Christ forgave us all before we repented. It did not become active until we received it. But God was not up in heaven holding a grudge until we got around to repenting. He is not up there bitter until we repent. He has forgiveness in His heart before we appropriate it. There is unilateral forgiveness on God's part, and He requires unilateral forgiveness on our part toward anyone who ever sins against us. We think of what the other person did to us, or said to us, and really this whole issue has nothing to do with what the other person did or said.

When a Christian has forgiveness from the heart, he is concerned about the person who did the sinning against him. He is not concerned about himself. But we are like Peter. "Sure, Lord, I'll forgive him seven times but if he goes to eight, he's in real trouble."

But real forgiveness doesn't keep count. If you have a tendency to keep count within or without the family, it is very likely you are not forgiving. And Jesus said that His heavenly Father will treat each of us with a lack of forgiveness unless we forgive from the heart. Forgive your brother from your heart.

"Well, I do not have forgiveness in my heart." Then who needs forgiving?

The one who needs forgiving is the same one who has this unlove, this hatred, this bad attitude, this grudge, or whatever. You cannot have it both ways. You cannot have unforgiveness in your heart and rejoice in the Lord.

It is possible to have unforgiveness in your heart and still go to church and sing. But it is all a fake! The singing is false. You can make people sing but when people are clean you don't have to make them sing. But people will spontaneously sing from a full heart. Why? Becuase they have clean hearts.

There is a big difference between singing because you are rejoicing in the Lord, and singing to get joy. Some Christians go to church every Sunday and sing to get joy. The joy ends when they quit singing because there is uncleanness in their heart.

We would all like to think that we are the good guy and that the other person has the problem. It might not be that. Just assume you are the one that has the problem of lack of forgiveness.

If a Christian has forgiveness in his heart, he will be rejoicing regardless of how wrong the other person was, or how greatly the other person sinned against him.

But how can you show forgiveness to someone when you have to be very firm because you don't believe in their lifestyle? It is not really that difficult. If you have forgiveness in your heart, they will know it regardless of how firm you are. They will know it, based upon your tone. People can tell when you love them. They can tell when you are being firm because you are bitter, and they can tell when you do it out of love. The only thing you have to be sure of is your attitude in the conversation. You do not have to worry how they will take it. The results are the Lord's. They may not accept it but they do know the difference.

Periodically, I have had to be very firm with people. One time, 35 years ago, a man had just gotten right with the Lord the previous March. He had been a Christian since his sophomore year, but in his senior year he really got right with the Lord. He asked to live with us in our home through the summer after graduation. We moved the kids around and moved him into the house. He went home first, and came back. He moved all his stuff into our house in June. My wife was putting the kids to bed and we were down in the living room. I asked him how things were going. He said, "Not so good."

"Is it the same problem you had before?"

He said, "Yes."

"Same girl?"

He said it was the same girl.

I asked if he remembered how wonderfully God forgave him in March?

He said, "It was wonderful. There was great joy and peace."

I said, "Well, He can do it again. Let's pray right now. You may repent and confess, and be restored."

He said, "No."

I said, "Well, it's true."

"Yeah, I know. I've seen it happen. I know He will do it again, but I am not quite ready."

I said, "Well, I do not think you understand. You do not really have an option. You know better. You have to be restored now."

He said, "No I will do it sometime but not now."

"Well, I think I will have to tell the church that you are living in sin."

"You would tell the church what I told you in confidence?"

"I did not know it was in confidence, and I didn't know what you were going to tell me, and I didn't know you were going to be unrepentant having told me. God tells me to take it to the church because we are not to have fellowship with you. We are not going to eat with you. The Bible tells us what to do with anyone who calls himself a brother who is a fornicator. The church is not very godly, so they will probably kick me out for gossip. Nevertheless, the Bible tells me to tell the church. I will also tell the Officer's Christian Union, and they will not bat an eye. They will remove you so fast it will not be funny."

He got angry.

I said that there was one other problem. "In I Corinthians 5, it says we are not to eat with you. We are just not allowed to keep company with you immoral people who call themselves believers. If anybody calls himself a brother, and lives this way, we may not even eat with him. But you want me to disobey God because you are going to be unrepentant. You want me to eat with you, and have fellowship with you while you stay unrepentant. You have already moved your stuff in, so you can stay overnight. But if you're not right with the Lord by morning I want you out of this house before breakfast and I don't want you to speak to my wife or children."

He got very angry.

I said, "I love you very much. You know I love you very much. You may stay here all summer in fellowship but you do not eat breakfast here in the morning unless you are in fellowship."

He know I loved him and that I wasn't holding a grudge against him. He knew the love was real. But if the same things had been said with some sort of bitter malice, it would have been wrong.

He was right with God by breakfast and he stayed there all summer. So forgiveness is not inconsistent with a godly discipline. If discipline exists, it does not mean that lack of forgiveness is there.

Spend time with God alone and clean house. If there is any unforgiveness toward anybody else, then forgive him from the heart. God is very quick to take you up on any serious business with Him. He is quick to forgive.